Ah, the life of an inventory clerk – filled with the glamorous thrills of counting cutlery, examining carpets, getting down close and personal with the cold, wet tarmac (#watermeters), and documenting the mysterious stains on tenants’ favourite walls.
It’s a job that requires meticulous attention to detail, an ironclad sense of fairness, and an encyclopaedic knowledge of how many wine glasses a two-bedroom flat should theoretically possess. I mean – how many does one bottle of red need?
But amidst all this chaos, there lurks a devious proposition that every seasoned inventory clerk has encountered at least once. It’s sneaky, it’s seductive, and it’s got a name that should raise every red flag in the book: “The Quickie.”
No, I’m not talking about the kind of quickie that requires dim red lighting and a locked door – this isn’t that kind of blog (but nice try).
I’m talking about the other kind of quickie, the one that slips off the landlord’s tongue when they’re looking to cut corners and costs. The one where they wink and nudge, asking for a “quick report,” while subtly implying they won’t be paying the full price.
And let me tell you my fellow inventory clerks, agreeing to this kind of quickie is like walking into a bear trap with a blindfold on – hilarious for everyone else, but potentially catastrophic for you.
The Illusion of Simplicity
The first thing landlords will tell you is, “It’s just a small place! It won’t take long at all!” Oh, the sweet, naive optimism of those words.
As any inventory clerk worth their salt knows, size doesn’t matter (wink, wink). It’s the details that count. That “small” one-bedroom flat?
It’s packed to the rafters with all the quirky knick-knacks and questionable decor choices of its former occupant(s) – someone who clearly spent their entire salary at IKEA and Etsy.
There’s always a drawer stuffed with unmentionables (think students and battery-operated equipment – yup, you’ve got it), tangled cables that could rival Medusa’s hairdo, and that’s before you’ve even started on the kitchen cupboards, which contain enough mismatched Tupperware to stock a small nation.
And don’t even get me started on the bathroom. You think it’s just a loo and a sink? Think again. That’s where you’ll find exotic mould species that haven’t yet been classified by science and half-used toiletries that should have been thrown out three tenants ago.
The Dangers of the Discount
“Just give us a quickie [report], and be a dear and knock a bit off the fee,” they say.
A bit!?!
The problem with “a bit” is that it’s always subjective. What you hear as “a reasonable discount for a little less work” often translates to “let’s see how little we can pay you while making you do almost the same amount of work.” And as every inventory clerk knows, a rushed job is a sloppy job, and sloppy jobs come back to bite you – usually in the form of an irate landlord calling you two weeks later because you forgot to note the missing curtain rod bracket in the living room.
Plus, let’s be honest – what kind of inventory clerk are you if you can’t sleep at night, tormented by the thought that you missed even a single spoon in that cutlery drawer? You don’t want to live with that on your conscience – it’s practically in your DNA to be thorough.
Ask yourself one very important question: are you really willing to trade your peace of mind for a few less quid? Because once you start down that slippery slope of discounts, you’ll find yourself in a downward spiral of diminished dignity and never-ending favours.
The next thing you know, you’re being asked to do a “quickie” on a five-bedroom mansion with a swimming pool, and your bank account is somehow emptier than the tenant’s promises to clean up after their cat.
The Comedy of Catastrophe
And here’s where it gets funny – funny for everyone else, that is. The “quickie” report is almost always followed by some form of calamity.
Perhaps the landlord decides that they actually do want every single scuff mark and light bulb documented in the property condition report, or maybe the tenant disputes your findings because you were “too quick” to notice the crack in the ceiling that only appears at a certain angle in the afternoon sun.
Either way, you’ll be called back to redo the report you should have done ‘properly’ in the first place. And this time, you’ll do it for free because, well, “we already paid you for the first one.”
This is the part where you slap your forehead, give yourself a right good telling off, and realise that agreeing to a “quickie” was akin to volunteering for the world’s least amusing slapstick routine – one where you’re the clown, the custard pies are the landlords, and your self-respect is the one thing that doesn’t get to take a bow at the end.
Just Say No!
So, when the next landlord sidles up to you with a suggestive smile and a casual, “Fancy a quickie?” Remember this: A quickie might sound like a shortcut to an easy payday, but it’s actually a one-way ticket to unpaid overtime hell.
Protect your time, your dignity, and the thoroughness that makes you the hero of every agent and the fearsome foe of every sloppy landlord.
Say No to Quickies, and say Yes, Yes, Yes! to full-priced, detailed, comprehensive, and industry-leading inventory reports.